my biggest fear is that a part of me will never truly be happy unless I find love. but I don’t want to believe that. I want to believe there’s a future where I am everything I ever wanted to be and I can proudly say that nothing as trivial as love held me back from achieving my dreams. isn’t it silly that I feel like I have to choose between the two? but it’s always been that way. and I don’t anticipate that changing anytime soon.
❝ First admit that you are unhappy. Then admit why. Then understand you need to let go. Allow yourself a moment. Breathe in the moment deeply. Then the healing will begin.
— Nikita Gill, How to Start Healing (via noorshirazie)
coming to terms with/learning to be okay with knowing that I needed you more than you needed me. needed things from you that were unfair of me to expect from you.
but also, learning to trust in my own ability to give myself everything you never could.
and also, am I moving further and further away from california to avoid who I really am or am I distancing myself from the people and places that have created an environment I don’t feel like I belong in anymore? am I really chasing visions of my future that I’ve only managed glimpses of? was it naivete or an act of bravery to leave, I’m still deciding
as I move on (in life), I realize I am leaving more and more of bit and pieces of myself behind. during periods of reflection, I revisit my former selves and sometimes I cannot recognize who I was or thought I was. sometimes I feel as though I’ve imagined the people from my past lives. memories of them are so faint, they don’t feel real. and if I can barely hang onto my memories, how can I trust that any of those things really happened or have I really made up entire moments, relationships, events, etc.
nothing like an old song to bring me back to the people and feelings I thought had faded almost entirely. and it makes me wonder, do I still exist for them too? or have I disappeared? was I real for them? or was I imaginary, a distant foggy memory
